15 Years

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of the day someone was crazy enough to take me on and make me an honest man. It doesn’t seem like 15 years, it seems like only yesterday.

There are 1001 cliches that go along with anniversary’s and I could sit here and write them all out as I really don’t have the creative spirit within me at the moment. All you really have to know is that with an infinitesimal few times I never been happier in my life.

Mind you, if the Mayor of the township in which we were getting married in had had her way we wouldn’t have gotten married 15 years ago. Why? It was all a can of Ravioli’s fault.

OK, it was my fault, but the can of Ravioli had a part to play in it too.

When I went to America, I watched far to much TV, and one thing that American TV has to much of is Adverts. One of my favourite adverts at the time of our marriage was for Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Now without going into to much of my private nocturnal doings, I used to make Linda laugh by creating characters with stupid voices. I had Pedro the Spanish Waiter (think Manuel from Fawlty Towers) I had Boris from Russia who was some kind of Gangster and a few others, but whenever the Chef Boyardee adverts came on, I would default to the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.

I would Hurdy Gurdy Furdy Burdy Chef Boyyyarrrrdddeeeeeeeeeee all over the apartment. (Say it in your head with the Swedish chef’s accent and you’ll get the idea.)

Anyway, one day, I mentioned to Linda that if I thought of that when we were getting married I would lose it and crack up laughing and it would be all her fault.. I don’t know why it would be her fault, but damnit it would.

Fast forward to our wedding day and I had totally forgotten about the chef and Ravioli altogether. Until the Mayor looks at me in all seriousness and says something that I for the life of me can’t remember due to the fact that the next five minutes of my life devolve into hysterical flat out laughter and hysterical crying.

The Swedish Chef had popped into my head and had started singing about Chef Boyardee Ravioli. I swear I tried to stop myself from laughing. The corners of my mouth twitch and them my eyes must have given it away as Linda knew what was happening and she went too.

The Mayor was lost.. she looked at Linda’s family for support, they didn’t have a bloody clue what was going on.

The Mayor asked us to clam down and if we couldn’t she would h ave to stop the service and we would have to come back when we could take it more seriously.

After that admonishment, I only thought of rival brands of Ravioli and no more sniggers.

God forbid you have a good time on your happiest day!

I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank Linda for still being here and still sticking with me after all these years and still knowing when that bloody laughter is coming!



A-Z Update

A-Z 2015 Challenge Banner


Folks, I hate what I am about to write because dammit, I was having so much fun.

I am going to have to drop out of this years challenge.

I have had a pretty major family emergency come up that has over the weekend.  I won’t go into details, but needless to say, it has pretty much sapped my will to continue writing in the style that I have been over the past couple of weeks for the challenge and as for having the time at the moment, I just don’t.

I’ll try to post an update on how things are going with me later in the week and maybe if things allow I may try to get a prompt from somewhere and write a post to ease the boredom.

I want to take this chance to thank absolutely everyone who has stopped by the blog, new and old over the past 10/11 days. Those who have liked a post, re-tweeted a post. Left a comment or just read and run. You all have lifted my spirits and given me more reasons to keep on writing in the future.

I will complete the rest of the challenge later in the year when circumstances allow.

Until next time…

A-Z – J – Jump To The Left


I would like, if I may, to take you on a journey.. a strange journey where TV executive think it is OK to mess with something that is close to perfection and has lived in history for 40 years and has a following of over a 10s of millions strong worldwide and just because there is a fad for the odd Musical to “work”on TV the past couple of years (debatable if you ask me).

It was announced yesterday that Fox TV are intending to go ahead with their plan to reimagined The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They plan to rename this the Rocky Horror Picture Show EVENT.

Now, I have absolutely no problem with seeing Musical Theatre on TV, none whatsoever, but if a show has been made and it has been successful as Rocky has been, it was a cult that grew into a phenom that has grown into mainstream. In the UK the stage show still tours every year and still plays to full houses every night every where it goes. In America, Midnight Showings of the film still attract rabid fan-bases of the film and Casts act out the film in front of the screen as the film plays.

This “reimagining” isn’t about bringing the film to a new audience like the producers are claiming, this is, in my opinion, a cash grab, this is a chance for Fox to renew the rights that they own to have another revenue stream going into the Shows 40th anniversary year.  No doubt once the TV special happens there will be a soundtrack CD released (or iTunes download) and then after that there will be a DVD and Blu Ray release of the TV special (not to mention international TV rights).

As far as I’m concerned now, the people behind this production should be sent right back transsexual Transylvania, if not shot by Riff Raff first. I doubt that will happen. My only hope in the coming months in that Richard O’ Brien will get on board and give this a legitimacy and heart and not just a Glee pastiche.

Until we know more, and until my head stops pounding and my nose stops running I’ll leave you steping to the right and pelvic thrusting.

A-Z – I – Invasion


 The year is 2020 and things have gotten way out of hand. As I sit here and type this out, I have no idea how long I have left. The generator in the yard is running dangerously low on fumes and I am saving my work every two minutes so that hopefully some day when sanity has resumed this’ll be read and understood.

Let me go back.

It all began with news reports back in 2015 of a Colorado Lake being infested with Goldfish. Yeah, you read that right, Goldfish, those stupid little fish you win at the fair that inevitably die after two weeks and you end up flushing down the toilet to not upset the kids. Them little bastards infested a lake in Colorado, USA. It seems that someone let a few of their pet Goldfish loose in one the lakes and then over a time they spawned and then it happened… The accident.

The big spill.

The day in late October 2017 when they had exhausted all the humane ways of trying to get rid of the now growing colony of fish they had decided to electrocute them. They were going to pass  massive shocks of electricity through the lake at 25 minute intervals over a week. After  that they were going to drain the lake and then start the mass clean up process.

On day two of the electro process a tanker from a nearby food processing plant was passing and it was hauling colouring for that goop those American kids drink that got banned over the rest of the world… Mountain Dew (well not banned but modified). Well, somehow, the tanker spilled its load into the lake just as the fish were being fried and it caused a reaction and the fish mutated. It started a reaction.

Now 2 and a half years later the world is dealing with hordes of Creatures from the Black Lagoon and we can’t stop them. NOTHING can stop them.

Scientists are working on the assumption that eventually they will need to go back to fresh water, but it hasn’t happened yet, so they assume the preservative and additives in the Drink goop has altered their DNA so much it has created the greatest Monster.. The Mountain Goldfish.

My generator is dying, I have to go.

I hope you have a better life now than we did at the end.

Whilst this may seem a little whimsical and goes along with the rest of my nonsensical stories from the past couple of weeks, there is in fact a basis in fact to today’s story and it is really really current as in it was in the press in just the past couple of days. You can check out this video from The Slate website (which hasn’t taken it wholly seriously either)

The Mountain Dew thing though, that is true, that has something to do with the Corn Syrup and the nasty sugars the American producers add to it… We can’t get the good stuff over here in Europe any more… we have to have the tame “Sports Energy Drink” that tastes like urine. Pah!

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