I have never been afraid of age. I have been afraid of what happens around me as I get older, but as far as my getting older is concerned; it’s never really bothered me. I have progressed through my life taking one day at a time and only planning as far as absolutely necessary. I have never really seen the point of long term plans. I guess my old age will kick me in the arse come pension time.
As I turn 42 today I look back with a sense of rutted contentment. Rutted because I know I could be doing a whole lot more with my life given different circumstances, and contentment because I know I am where I am needed at the moment. Things have the space to change and they are, in small ways. In years past a birthday for me would have held some kind of anticipatory momentum, but the build up to this birthday has just been another set of days. I have taken care of business and gotten on with life.
This may sound like ordinary life to you, but I only really had to age related life goals.
Up until May 9th 2003, all I wanted to do was scrape through and make sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit or become riddle with some kind of drug addiction that cruelly ripped me away from life. I had a dark morbid thought that I was destined to end up the least famous member of the 27 club. That unscientific club of social misfits (Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain to name just a few) who popped of this mortal coil during their 27th year. I was so sure that I would end up in that club that from May 11th 2002 to May 9th 2003, I didn’t drink alcohol at all. I have never been a drug user (unless you count Coffee and Nicotine), but you never know what can happen in weakness.
After I made it to 28, that whole thing just wafted away and a weight was lifted from me and I could start enjoying life again.
My next goal reflected that new found release of death-burden. 42 – The meaning of Life The Universe and Everything. It doesn’t really mean anything but if you have read The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, then you know it’s a pretty big thing. So really by that thinking, it’s a great big ball of Nothingness. The way I looked at it, after so many years counting down to death at 27, why not be a little whimsical for a while, and it worked.. well except the whole breakdown thing and being diagnosed with Mental Illness, but that is really a whole other side of me. In the corner of my mind, I had 42 as a goal to get too.
… and today, I made it.
Today I get to revel in the fact that I made it to my second age goal and hopefully, from here onwards with nothing really to hold my superstitious mind back, I may actually start to achieve something and maybe, explore that weirdness that I know lurks in me… (my family are just cringing at the thought of more weirdness)
Until next time…