It’s been a tough few weeks for me but I won’t be commenting on my bipolar much here anymore. I have started a new blog just for my Bipolar ranting. If anyone is interested just drop me a comment and make sure you include your email address and i’ll send you the link.
I been down so god-damn long… it looks like up to me….
I been down so Very very long… It looks like up to me…
I know Jim Morrison didn’t write that, but it was his version I was listening to last night and I’ll be damned if it’s not stuck in my head today. What makes it even more ironic is that I actually can relate to the emotion and the words of this song.
I started writing and it started to flow and t he all of a sudden I had written about the dark side again, about suicide and how it woudl all be so easy to end everything. It’s strange because I was and am writing at work and it’s very bitty the way I can write here. Calls always interupting the flow, but for some reason today it’s a constant stream of bullshit. I don’t want to feel the way I do, I want to feel the shiney happy people feelings.
OK I had to stop posting at work it got to busy, so now I am home and carrying on… not that you really needed to know that, but if it seems a little more disjointed than usual then there you have it.
One of the hardest things about having Bi Polar is the medication you have to take to stay on an even keal. In me it saps all my creativity and leaves me a shell of the creative self I used to be.
Before I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and started on the cocktail of meds that I have been subjected to for the past three or so years I used to write poetry and had a wicked sense of humour (so I was told). I used to be spontanious and on the ball, now I have to plan my day around taking medication and remembering when to eat and general mundane everyday stuff.
When I do get a spark of poetic inspiration I tend to write quick. My only problem is that what I write is usually so dark it depresses me even more. I ocassionally think about giving up the medication just to see if I can get my old self back again, even if it’s just a diluted version, it would be better than this pathetic husk I have become.
You may well be asking why the pity party today. No Reason just to much time on my hands and nothing to watch on TV. It’s not really a pity party it’s more of a extrapolation of where my head is at at the moment. I am trying to bring some reason to my life and where I can move myself forward to. I am back to work tomorrow after almost a month of work. I had a rather nasty (if I say so myself) bout of Paranoia. This time it was just the paranoia without the voices which has never happened before. Usually the voices lead to the paranoia, which is how I know that I am heading for problems and I can get some help. This time it was just BOOM! The room closing in on me and people watching me all over the office and wherever I went. I still don’t feel 100% but I can’t afford to take anymore time off work. Having said that I may not have a job much longer anyway, I have been on my last warning for the last couple of months. We shall just have to see what the next week or so brings when i go back. It’s time to pony up and be the best Beeper I can.
I hate today. I spend the whole day thinking it’s a different time to that which it really is.
You see the clocks went forward today and I spend the whole day every year thinking:
“Oh It’s 3pm… but really it’s only 2pm… but it’s really 3pm”
And by the time I have my head around it being 3pm it’s actually 4pm and I think it’s actually only 3pm. It’s a vicious fucking circle that will take days to break.
In other news after 8 weeks off work I am going back to work tomorrow. New hours and new desk (no doubt). I should say that I was only off sick for three weeks… but I had to wait for clearance from all kinds of doctors to let me go back to work. Basically it took almost double the time to get back to work than I was actually off sick. Go figure eh!!!!
Oh well off to iron my trousers for work tomorrow.
So it’s Sunday morning and I am awake at 10am I am on my second cup of coffee and my third or forth cigarette and now II am listening to Virgins… NO not that kid of Virgin, but rather Virgin Classic Rock digital radio station. I realise that most of the music I am listening to was made and realised years before I was born. Which makes me feel not quite as old as I did when i woke up this morning aching like a man who had been around for 40 years past his sell by date. But that is besides the point.
“Who is Peter Frampton anyway?”
Why is my listening to a classic rock station important at this time of the morning any more important than me listening to a classic polka station at 4 in the morning, well you see it’s a medical reason.
Part of my Bipolar Disorder gives me the amazing ability to hear voices that aren’t really there. I hear loads of weird shit at every given moment that there isn’t something audible going on. It’s worse when there is no background noice, speaking doesn’t block it out, it just confuses me, TV helps sometimes but more often that not it’s music that has to be playing.
For the past 15 to 20 days I have been having these little psychotic episodes, I must have listened to Dark Side of the Moon 30 times already. I needed a change 😆
I have been going through my archives and there are some missing pictures here and there so I am going to spend today going through and trying to replace to some of the images that are missing and tidying things up… I have to do something semi constructive. Gotta keep the archives up to date, saves me thinking of anything more useful to do.
Apparently this is Peter Frampton… ohh he’s a pretty boy isn’t he.
It’s been a while since I wrote anythning for here. It’s not for the lack of trying, honestly. This blog has never been far from my mind and whenever there has been something to post the motivation to post it was never there. I put that down to my medication that at times saps my will to live, but there is no changing that so no use whining about it.
So an update on me….
I no longer drink caffine or use sugar in anything I eat or drink
I have lost over 14pounds in just over three months (won’t know for sure until i get weighed again)
I eat a lot healthier (very little chocolate and fatty foods)
What changed?……. I was diagnosed as being Diabetic.
I couldn’t possibly type what I thought when I was told this earth shattering news but once the news sunk in and I digested the fact that this was a life changing issue (more so than my bi polar in many ways), I became fine with it. You won’t hear me bemoan my lot as being diabetic (OK maybe when there is Chocolate cake on offer you may hear a little grumble).
I would rather i didn’t have it, but I am feeling so much better in myself now that I have HAD to make the changes in my life just so that I can survive and not end up in hospital after going into sugar shock.
I will be posting more often now that I have taken that leap again into posting.