Mental Health

Shopping mania

Well I am here at casa da younger bruvva. The kids are more manic than I am after a three day bender with out my anti psych pills and I loves em for it. The train journey was a freaking nightmare and I am already dreading the return journey. How sad that I can’t live for the moment and am so caught up in the fears that tear at my soul… fuck a duck I sound like I am being led away to be shot at dawn… well I can hope….

We took a taxi cab across London this afternoon and were very surprised when it worked out, mile for mile about 75% cheaper to take a taxi in London than it was from home to work back in Corby.


Anyway the real reason for this short but sweet post is to tell you all about my adventure in Christmas Shopping land with my mum last night. I got off work a couple of hours early to make sure I was home and ready last night without too much stress going on. Well when the works bus took a detour through town I thought I could get off in town and meet mum and get a McDonald’s for dinner rather than any of us cooking.

Well I met her and I now know why Nik and I had such great Christmas’ as kids.. the woman can’t go into a shop and not buy something for her kids.. in this case Kieran and Jess. Mind you I am assured that Nik and I didn’t do bad out of last nights shopping mania… (I can’t wait for Christmas day).

I swear my mother could impulse buy for England and the great thing about it is that I know she won’t have to return a damn thing she bought because her impulse buys are better than mosts carefully considered purchases. Mind you just don’t mention the Jumper she bought that was advertised as a large ( you know how these Thirty somethings get a little big around the middle as the get and it turned out to be medium… I take partial blame for that as I suggested she get the V Neck sweater and not the zippy up the front one, which after being here a few minutes found out that he wanted the zippy up one and not the v-neck one.. fussy bugger.

Anyway… that’s about all I gotta say for now… but a tip for you… if you ever get the chance to go shopping with one or both of your parents around this time of year make sure you have a lot of coffee handy and just watch the way they used to be when you were kids.

Until Next Time…

Sorry.. I was lost but now I’m Found

I must have the most boring life in blogdom. Nothing seems to happen and when it does I am too busy to blog about it. I must apologize to the few readers I do have who have been waiting for me to post. Linda has been unwell and I have generally been staying away from the PC when at home due to being burnt out on it at work.

Talking of work it’s been super busy so my usual slack time to write has been taken up by work type things. It’s getting closer to Christmas so it should start to slow down and make it slightly easier for me to write while at work.

This next weekend I am heading off to see my little brother and his family. It’s his Thirtieth Birthday next week and we are heading down to celebrate a few days early. I have no idea what we will be doing, but I do know I will be taking loads of photos with my new camera. Linda decided that we needed a better camera and she wanted something easy to use. So I decided on the Fuji FinePix A350. It has the 5.2mega-pixels for the detail I like. A really simple and easy to use operating interface and just enough gadgets to keep me happy. So expect loads of cute kids pics and ugly brother pics after the weekend.

I just hope I can get through the traveling. Ever since we went to the states back in March of this year I have had a real phobia about traveling ANYWHERE. I hate going to strange places and dealing with large crowds of people. I know this isn’t going to be a big deal once I am actually at my brothers, but dealing with London during the Christmas run up on a Friday just doesn’t set my heart a flutter.. it sends the bloody thing off into heart attack mode. I have my MP3 player and I’ll find a comic book or two to read and just forget the world for a couple of hours and see how that works out.

I haven’t really been keeping up on my blog reading but I noticed that Dad Gone Mad has had his snip done… and as always he sees the humorous side of it. Leta over at Dooce is almost 2 years old and has just decided to find out the joys of diarrhea.

A Workish Update

Just a quickie catch up.. I got more to write about Lynyrd Skynyrd songs tomorrow.. but this is what I wrote at work today…..

It’s going well, I mean I am working and I am out of the house, which is a good thing.. I am smoking less than half of what I was and I am eating even less.. so getting back to work isn’t all that bad.

Tuesday was a shock to the system.. I actually settled back into things really quickly… everyone was super nice… I was starting to feel guilty about all the attention.

But anywho.. I am back in the swing of things, back contributing to the man as they say. I miss my old team but I am sure that once everything gets to be more normal here I will fit right in rather than be the strange one with the manic tick who keeps looking over his shoulder to answer the voices in his head (btw I don’t have a tick but i do keep looking to answer the voices in my head 🙂 )

That’s it for now.. check back tomorrow for my redneck post of the week

Until Next Time…

Normality.. Who you kidding

Today is just another day. At least that’s my rationalization of it all.

I have been off work for 3 weeks. I have posted maybe once or twice in that time, but in general I have been a zombie for pretty much all of that time. Your probably not asking yourself “why you been off?” But I am gone tell you anyway, my way of coming clean with the world. Pretty much by Monday everyone I come into contact with is gonna know if they don’t already.

I guess you could say, I had a breakdown. I wasn’t handling life too well. I got to a stage where I was hearing voices and shaking uncontrollably. I cut myself in what can only be deemed a subliminal cry for help, I don’t actually remember cutting just it dawning on me that there was blood on the desk and my hand stung like a motherfucker.

I saw the mental health support worker and I got put on some heavy duty drugs to help me out and all they really did was put me to sleep for two and a half weeks.

Fast forward through lots of sleeping and lots of soul searching conversations (with myself and with Linda) and we come to my last day of my “Holiday in Insanity”. I am going back to work Monday, and as many people have asked “Are you ready”, I’ll be damned if I know for sure, but we’ll find out Monday at 8pm, by which time it will be too late to change anything anyway.

I am still on the heavy duty drugs so I still have to be a bit careful how I approach life, and not try and stretch myself to far to quick, but I’ll beat this shit and it won’t kill me.

Oh Well

Until Next Time…

Why Not

I have been surfing around some of the sites I used to read daily, and they
seem to have lost some of their appeal to me. Maybe it’s because I have
changed so much since I started blogging or maybe the writers moved on in a different direction.

Who knows?

Depression is an expensive passtime to try and get over. So far since I have been off work (8 work days to date) I have been obsessed with buying stuff.
Maybe I am trying to copmpensate for my lack of self esteem by buying my happiness.
I gotta stop though, we don’t have the money.

I have started playing the Ebay game. I see it as a game it makes me happy.
It’s kinda like gambling without the inherant risk involved. I only bid on
things that i actually want and can afford and I only ever bid what I can
afford. I haven’t won shit yet but it’s only a matter of time.. hopefully
this sunday if no one outbids me on the dvd I am bidding on.

Mind you there are times when weakness takes it’s toll like a few minutes
ago when watching a TV auction I bid for a 140 pound watch… the bidding ended
at 26 pounds and everyone pays the lowest price… I just hope They call me back.

Oh Well

Until Next Time…

Yesterday.. Headfuck

Yesterday was awful.

I was up at the normal time.. anywhere between 7 and 9 am depending on which alarm I listen to. Everything was fine. Spent a good couple of hours going through the archives at . I found some real funny shit over there. when you have a spare hour or so, check it out.

At about 1pm, I started my daily ritual of getting ready for work and the it happened. I started getting antsy about something. I have no idea what but I was tighter than a fucking wire. I couldn’t shake it, I thought the trip to work would ease me up. I loaded up the mp3 player with stuff that usually mellows me out.

My bus trip usually takes around 35 minutes, I listened to Steve Martin’ song King Tut all the way there. It didn’t help. My gut was getting nauseous and I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t control my surroundings and I had to get out of there. I left work at 5pm want to just sit in a dark room and cry. These fucking mood-swings are killing me. I never know from minute to minute what I am going feel like. Some of you (if anyone is reading this) may say no one knows what mood they are going be in. and I agree… no one knows shit. But for me, I can be laughing and joking one minute and wanting to smash the shit out of some poor sod who doesn’t deserve it the next.

I came home and slept all evening, woke up around 9.30 last night and stayed up till three am watching Windtalkers with Linda.

Talking of Linda. It’s her birthday today. Today she is 50 tomorrow she says she’ll be 49 again. She just wants to test it out for one day and then start counting backwards..LOL… HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY.

Oh well time for me to start back on the work trail… In case anyone is wondering.. I am still feeling bad today, but no managers were available to arrange an emergency holiday for me today, so I have to go face the world again.. BOLLOX

Oh well……

Until Next Time….

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