I have a dream that I will return to blogging and receive a rapturous return from my hundreds of adoring fans. They will await my every word, they will fawn over my every drop letter and drip over my misplaced semi colons (They have to be misplaced I dunno where to use em normally).
I have given those dreams and now blog just for the need to write something down now and again and If anyone reads it then have a blast. My blog will never go away. I have too much there to get rid of it… i just don’t have that much to say anymore. Maybe that will change now that I have more time on my hands. You see dear me.. I lost my job last week. I am now unemployed and for all intenets and purposes unemployable. When you can’t leave the house on your own it makes it a bit difficult to do a days work. I am pretty sure that they don’t allow you to bring your mum to work every day to keep the nasty people from looking at me and talking about me.
Am I downhearted?…. Nah. I knew it was coming I was just suprised it took em so long to do it. The kill was done swiftly enough… about Four weeks from start to finish and that included going to see a works doctor in the middle. If i was looking for another job about now I would be sweating it, but given my health issues work isn’t really a priority at the moment. Getting to a place where i can leave the house unaccompanied is what is on my mind at the moment.
I know I said I wasn’t going to be writing about my Bipolar on here any more but it seemed like the right thing to do and I am not really talking about it it’s just in the background as it always is. I have come to the realisation that no matter what I do I have to take into account the hallucinations, the voices and the paranoia first and then get into the right headspace to do what ever it was I needed to get done in the first place. Some would say it would just be as easy to not do anything and just be strange for the rest of my life…. hey it’s an option I have considered.. but I can’t afford the Tin foil for the hat and windows just yet, but I have a savings plan for it and my design for the tin foil hat is coming along nicely.
I have had an Elvis evening. I downloaded a 10 cd japanese boxset and have just gotten around to listening to some of the tracks of it. It’s the complete singles collection so It has all his well known stuff and stuff that I dug from growing up in a family full of Elvis fans. Looking back to my childhood, Elvis was everywhere. My Uncle Barry did an oil painting that hung on our living room wall for as long as I can care to remember. It was like those pictures of the Mother Mary Catholics have on thier walls, I almost prayed to that damn picture. When I was 7 or 8 I went away on a school camp and we had a talent night, and everyone had to do something … I did my Elvis impression… the kids didn’t get it but the Teachers dug my gyrating hips and snarl. They either got it or they were laughing at me for being a dork… in my present state of mind i think it was the latter HAHAHAHA.
It’s been a tough few weeks for me but I won’t be commenting on my bipolar much here anymore. I have started a new blog just for my Bipolar ranting. If anyone is interested just drop me a comment and make sure you include your email address and i’ll send you the link.
So it’s Sunday morning and I am awake at 10am I am on my second cup of coffee and my third or forth cigarette and now II am listening to Virgins… NO not that kid of Virgin, but rather Virgin Classic Rock digital radio station. I realise that most of the music I am listening to was made and realised years before I was born. Which makes me feel not quite as old as I did when i woke up this morning aching like a man who had been around for 40 years past his sell by date. But that is besides the point.
“Who is Peter Frampton anyway?”
Why is my listening to a classic rock station important at this time of the morning any more important than me listening to a classic polka station at 4 in the morning, well you see it’s a medical reason.
Part of my Bipolar Disorder gives me the amazing ability to hear voices that aren’t really there. I hear loads of weird shit at every given moment that there isn’t something audible going on. It’s worse when there is no background noice, speaking doesn’t block it out, it just confuses me, TV helps sometimes but more often that not it’s music that has to be playing.
For the past 15 to 20 days I have been having these little psychotic episodes, I must have listened to Dark Side of the Moon 30 times already. I needed a change 😆
I have been going through my archives and there are some missing pictures here and there so I am going to spend today going through and trying to replace to some of the images that are missing and tidying things up… I have to do something semi constructive. Gotta keep the archives up to date, saves me thinking of anything more useful to do.
Apparently this is Peter Frampton… ohh he’s a pretty boy isn’t he.
If you read gossip websites and the gossip magazines, you won’t have missed the scandal that is Britney Spears. Now, I was no big fan of her music but let’s face it I am a bloke a schoolgirl outfit is going to ring a few bells. But now that she has gone from the predestined “goodgirl” image that was so carefully manipulated in the press and the media, now people are suprised that the whole shebang is crumbling down around her.
It is repeorted that Britney has Bipolar Affective Disorder. This alone should cause her family concern, add that to her erratic behaviour and you have a clear message that things are not well.
If I get ill and have some crazy ass symptoms I can try and hide them from my family (it rarely works but I try) there is no way that Britney can hide her symptoms as she always has a camera in her face.
It has also been reported that Britney has coverted the attention from the press by tipping off paparazzi as to her movements. This is a classic sign of a manic episode. The need to feel the centre of everyting and the feeling that all you do is worthy of everything. I am suprised someone hasn’t tried to have her sectioned before now, there were so many signs reported:
Self Medication – Drugs and Alcohol
Dangerous Sexual Behaviour
The Lack of Body Image
Some could say that the issues with her children could also stem from effects of her Bipolar. All in all where her kids are concerned, they are in the best place at the moment, BUT, that doesn’t mean they will always be in the right place away from thier mother.
If I was in a position to advise Britney and her family, then all I would say is find a Psychiatrist and get yourself on a good and balanced medication plan. Your gonna feel like shit for a while until your body gets used to the drugs. But trust me you’ll thanks yourself and the ones who helped you along the way to wellness when your there. It’s not easy, but no one said it would be.
So it’s nearly three am again and I am more awake than ever. I think I have broken my body. The depression is getting too me on a daily basis now and the nerves in the right side of my face are going haywire.
I am sleeping at the weirdest times and throwing my body clock out of whack. I figure I’ll have to bite the bullet and just do 36 hours without sleep and try and break myself back into a normal sleep pattern. I figure with plenty of movies and coffee it shouldn’t be too hard. Combine that with random blog postings at varying stages of awareness and we’ll be flying. (more…)
I was up at the normal time.. anywhere between 7 and 9 am depending on which alarm I listen to. Everything was fine. Spent a good couple of hours going through the archives at Kontraband.com . I found some real funny shit over there. when you have a spare hour or so, check it out.
At about 1pm, I started my daily ritual of getting ready for work and the it happened. I started getting antsy about something. I have no idea what but I was tighter than a fucking wire. I couldn’t shake it, I thought the trip to work would ease me up. I loaded up the mp3 player with stuff that usually mellows me out.
My bus trip usually takes around 35 minutes, I listened to Steve Martin’ song King Tut all the way there. It didn’t help. My gut was getting nauseous and I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t control my surroundings and I had to get out of there. I left work at 5pm want to just sit in a dark room and cry. These fucking mood-swings are killing me. I never know from minute to minute what I am going feel like. Some of you (if anyone is reading this) may say no one knows what mood they are going be in. and I agree… no one knows shit. But for me, I can be laughing and joking one minute and wanting to smash the shit out of some poor sod who doesn’t deserve it the next.
I came home and slept all evening, woke up around 9.30 last night and stayed up till three am watching Windtalkers with Linda.
Talking of Linda. It’s her birthday today. Today she is 50 tomorrow she says she’ll be 49 again. She just wants to test it out for one day and then start counting backwards..LOL… HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY.
Oh well time for me to start back on the work trail… In case anyone is wondering.. I am still feeling bad today, but no managers were available to arrange an emergency holiday for me today, so I have to go face the world again.. BOLLOX