Just over three weeks ago I went to the Doctors to keep a self made promise I made to my Mum. I am the kind of person who likes to try and keep his promises where ever possible, but sometimes I over egg the pudding, and occasionally I let my gob get in the way of common sense and offer more than I can deliver. This is one of those time, folks.
They’ll Kill ya Folks
Without airing everyone’s granny pants to the world, its’ time for me to give up smoking for the benefit of everyone in the household. To be supportive to Mum who has had to give up over night and has done it cold turkey and has been smoke free for close to 100 days,. For me health wise, I am getting no younger and with that natural health problems are just hastened on with adding cigarettes to the mix. Then there is the financial side to the whole thing,, it’s bloody expensive. (more…)
Last night the sad, tragic news that Robin Williams had passed away was beamed around the world and in an instant a whole slew of memorable laughs and stomach aches that arose from laughing at his madcap insane humour came flooding to my mind. As the rolling news streamed on the BBC News channel it was already known that he had taken his own life and how he had done it. It seemed almost gruesome that his body not even cold and people knew the details. I couldn’t take much more and went to bed.
This morning I woke up, I didn’t feel ready for the day. One more hero gone and what’s the bloody point and all those fucking cliches.
Then I opened Facebook.
People were talking, not just about his death and how he had taken his life, but about WHY he’d done it. The depression that had plagued him like so many others had been made the bad guy. Sufferers were being listened to by usually unsympathetic partners and families. People you wouldn’t normally expect to talk about Mental Illness were talking about it. The world seemed angry.
The world had lost a genius to the Black Dog and now the dog needed putting down and the world was Animal Control all of a sudden.
I still feel like today shouldn’t be happening, and it really shouldn’t have taken a man of 63 to take his own life to raise awareness, after all millions of us have been doing this for years, but it’s happening and… well…
What should one do when every morning you wake up and think –
“Today is the day the duck is broken! Today is the day I get back on the horse and get back to the grind and get back to my old self.”
…and then at Midnight you shut down the screen and you realise that it was just another Tuesday like the previous Monday where nothing got written and it was just like the previous Friday where no decent photograph was taken? (more…)
I tried to stay away from the computer as much as possible over the weekend. I just checked my email a few times, tinkered here and there and generally just took it easy. It’s not often that Linda and I get a full weekend with no work distractions so I tend to try and make the most of it when it floats round.
That being the case it’s now Tuesday and I am back into the swing of things. Dreading going back to work,, I really don’t want to do it anymore. There is no fun in working at the moment. I know what your all saying “work aint meant to be fun” and I agree with ya.. but for the most part I used to enjoy work. Now I just wish I could say fuck it all and stay home and watch slasher movies all day. I guess that’s part of the depression I have.
My depression is not unusual but it is unusual to me and the way I have started handling it. In the past,years not months, I would have just got all withdrawn and hidden away from it all. I would have made peoples life a misery.. hell I am miserable you can be too. But no I just decided to work through the shit and crap and get on with life. I find that I tend to forget the depression for brief periods and enjoy life, but as soon as I stop and sit I zoom straight back into it. The best way I can analogise it is that I am a mountain climber with an endless mountain to climb and a rope is tied to me that gives me enough slack to take the next step up. On occasion the person controlling the guide rope looks away and forgets what it’s doing and lets me take a couple of steps up without restraint…but soon it will remember it’s job and snap that rope faster than elastic underwear on a fat boy. That’s when I get dragged back into the blackness of depression.
I try not to dwell on it and just get on with my life. I spent far to many years letting it get on top of me and ruin my life.
So I had depressive issue all along but what made them worse and heightened them was a drug called Ro-Accutane. Check out the action website and hear so horror stories.
Until I took this drug I was just depressed at certain times. and when I went into a funk it was a gradual change. But since taking the drug I have mood-swings. These mood-swings can be triggered by ANYTHING. Someone talking on TV, a song, a person saying something I don’t like, and I switch as quick as that. I should say that the mood-swings can work the other way too. I can find something so funny that it will drag me out of the depression just as quick. Ohhhhh the joy of it all.
Anyway that my obligatory depression blog post.. I don’t like talking in depth about it.. make me sound like a whiner, which I try not too be.
Oh well almost time to start getting ready for work… I may be back soon.