Humour

A-Z – I – Invasion

I

 The year is 2020 and things have gotten way out of hand. As I sit here and type this out, I have no idea how long I have left. The generator in the yard is running dangerously low on fumes and I am saving my work every two minutes so that hopefully some day when sanity has resumed this’ll be read and understood.

Let me go back.

It all began with news reports back in 2015 of a Colorado Lake being infested with Goldfish. Yeah, you read that right, Goldfish, those stupid little fish you win at the fair that inevitably die after two weeks and you end up flushing down the toilet to not upset the kids. Them little bastards infested a lake in Colorado, USA. It seems that someone let a few of their pet Goldfish loose in one the lakes and then over a time they spawned and then it happened… The accident.

The big spill.

The day in late October 2017 when they had exhausted all the humane ways of trying to get rid of the now growing colony of fish they had decided to electrocute them. They were going to pass  massive shocks of electricity through the lake at 25 minute intervals over a week. After  that they were going to drain the lake and then start the mass clean up process.

On day two of the electro process a tanker from a nearby food processing plant was passing and it was hauling colouring for that goop those American kids drink that got banned over the rest of the world… Mountain Dew (well not banned but modified). Well, somehow, the tanker spilled its load into the lake just as the fish were being fried and it caused a reaction and the fish mutated. It started a reaction.

Now 2 and a half years later the world is dealing with hordes of Creatures from the Black Lagoon and we can’t stop them. NOTHING can stop them.

Scientists are working on the assumption that eventually they will need to go back to fresh water, but it hasn’t happened yet, so they assume the preservative and additives in the Drink goop has altered their DNA so much it has created the greatest Monster.. The Mountain Goldfish.

My generator is dying, I have to go.

I hope you have a better life now than we did at the end.


Whilst this may seem a little whimsical and goes along with the rest of my nonsensical stories from the past couple of weeks, there is in fact a basis in fact to today’s story and it is really really current as in it was in the press in just the past couple of days. You can check out this video from The Slate website (which hasn’t taken it wholly seriously either)

The Mountain Dew thing though, that is true, that has something to do with the Corn Syrup and the nasty sugars the American producers add to it… We can’t get the good stuff over here in Europe any more… we have to have the tame “Sports Energy Drink” that tastes like urine. Pah!

A-Z – H – Holographic

H

Ladies and Gentlemen, Rockers and Rollers.
Groovers and Shakers, It’s time to shake your Money Makers

*Stamping feet beat a rhythm*

The band you haven’t seen Come Together
Since the Told you To Hide Your Love Away

*the screams build louder*

Last seen on Saville Row, The Police,
The Told them to Get Back; Then They Were Gone!

*4 Blue Spotlights appear on the stage*

For One Song Only… The Beatles.

The 4 Blue Spotlights Opened in time with a thunderous Open Chord that rang like a Choir Invisible, to show pixel perfect reconstructions of The Beatles.

*The crowd screams grew to levels unheard of since 63..that’s 1963*

“..So why on earth should I moan, Cos when I get you alone
You Know I feel OK”

*The stage lights swirls and whirl, changing colours and shapes. The audience scream and cry for more*

“When I’m home everything seems to be right
When I’m home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeah”

*A fleeting moment in history passed in just over 150 seconds*

The stage returns to dark.

“The Management of the Hard Days Night Hotel & Casino complex would like to thank you for your Patronage in this the 100 Anniversary of Death of All Known Music. Please join us Next year when we will bring you Michael Jackson singing to a Rat. Thank You once again and please tip your robotic waiters on the way out.”

A-Z – G – Garrotted

G(This post is a co production of the Hurwood Bros Hive Mind)

Fillipe had been training his whole life for this moment. Ever since he had come from the Academy he had known that today might happen… hoped it would happen. It had been drilled into him from day one of basic that if he ever had the chance get the good stuff that he was to answer no questions and just jump on the chance first and maybe, just maybe answer questions later, if he was still alive.

Ever since the Cowpocalypse had struck 10 years ago and all the Cows had been wiped out, all cheese and dairy products had been like Gold to Humans (after all, what good was gold to a mouse). All Mice wanted was cheese, and the bravest and the boldest mice were selected at just after birth to go to the Academy to train to be Cheese Assassins. Half starved Three quarters crazed mice who would go to any lengths to obtain the holy grail for their commune of Mice.

Each mile of land had 3 Cheese Assassins who were stationed permanently in that one area who at the first sniff of cheese would be deployed to the site.

On one particularly cold March Wednesday Fillipe had been scrambled to some old Farmhouse after a tip off from a squeaker (a field look out mouse). Fillipe had his usual tools in his bag. all lightweight so he could move quickly and quietly, undetected. Once at the Farmhouse he entered the premises and his eyes quickly grew accustomed to the dark.

His nose started to twitch straight away, he knew that he had hit the pay-dirt. This was the big one.

He was going to be a hero after this haul.

His training took over.

From over his shoulder he removed the bag he was carrying and from out of the bag he pulled the strong thin metal Garrotte with a pneumatic bolt on one end of the wire to attach to the table. He also had a larger bag to smuggle away his haul.

He climbed the table leg and scoped out the table top, there it was. The most beautiful illicit thing he had ever seen. A Whole Block of Cheese bigger than he had ever seen. His awe was so big he was distracted for a moment that it took a bird chirrup outside to bring him back to his mission.

He scurried around to the far side of the Cheese deployed the blot into the Table and then threw the Garrotte over the Cheese. Up and over first time, He was back around the front side before the wire hit the table as the wire landed he pulled the Garrotte down and sliced half of the Illegal  bounty away and had started to stuff it into the larger sack that he had bought with him.

From the window, sunlight had started to break through, time to move, with a smirk, he swiped a crumb of cheese from the table and stuffed into his mouth and ran for the door.

Another mission over, another group of families will be fed for a few days from fat cat humans breaking the rules.

A-Z – E – Eating

E

This post is a little departure from the first 4 that came last week. Having a day off yesterday and it being Easter Sunday caused a few wrinkles in my plan to have things up and ready for first thing in the morning. We had a family lunch yesterday and when those things happen it kind of feels like a whirlwind of mini events happening all at once and it is only once it is all over that I sit down at the end of the day that I feel like I can sit down and just breathe. Well, yesterday, my breathing didn’t really start until 9pm.

Anyway, my prompt for today, wasn’t given to my by anyone in particular, but rather it’s an overheard conversation that made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. It’s pure logic, that I can wholly subscribe to a Cheeseburger Loving person.

When asked by his son about his supposed reduced meat intake my brother justified his taking another slice of Beef at lunch today:

It’s not that I have actually cut down on the amount of meat I eat, It’s just that I have increased the amount of vegetables to compensate for the meat I was already eating. Win-Win

Who can argue with that!

A-Z – D – Dalek

D

On a planet just past The Madillon Star Cluster was a small, long forgotten Dalek research base that was forgotten for one very simple reason. Simon, The Depressed Dalek.

Simon, it was rumoured had a genetic link to some controller in the Dalek High Command. That shouldn’t have mattered to the Daleks as they were a bunch of miserable buggers who couldn’t give a monkey’s uncle about family, but you know what it’s like when your wifes sisters cousin; twice removed gets involved… it’s messy, especially at War Council Bar B Ques.

So Simon was shipped off and forgotten, except for the persistent rumours of a depressed Dalek who goes around smelling flowers and baking Jam Tarts for the rest of the troops. That kind of news always gets back to the Daleks who really don’t like THAT kind of news and they always want to EX-TER-MIN-ATE some thing or IN-VADE and blow some planet or other up. It gets messy, so reports of Simon often get lost in the transmat logs and no one really minds.

Simon loved the quiet life in at the research base, he wasn’t expected to EX-TER-MIN-ATE anyone. No random blasting of innocent people just using his blaster to top off his Creme Brule’s. He spent long lazy afternoons tending to his Bio-Dome allotment garden growing herbs for his pies  whilst all the other Scientists were using the Bio-Dome for nerve agents and deadly gases that would probably never get used because they were in a forgotten research base on a forgotten planet all because some Daleks were trying to forget a Depressed Dalek.

It’s not hard being the only Depressed Dalek in Dalekdom but it’s hard being stationed with the only depressed Dalek in Dalekdom!

A "Depressed" Dalek on Chattering Teeth

 

 

A-Z – C – Caution

C

The clock ticked closer to the 8 o clock hour. everyone had urged caution, that he should not take part. He should watch his blood pressure and his heart.

He couldn’t be dissuaded, he went ahead.

He turned over and switched it on.

The screen glowed and the circle started to swirl and then the images started to stream.

There they were, the 7 Puppets who were, allegedly, in charge of the country and who were fighting to take charge in 35 days.

With each passing minute more dribble filled the screen and his blood pressure rose.

He seems stable Doctor.

He seems stable Doctor.

Those around him watched as he turned red and then purple.

They urged him to switch off.

He couldn’t though, he was glued to the screen. If he turned off he might miss the lone gunman who was inevitably there to do his bidding.

Surely someone would take the initiative.

All 7 in one room was too good an opportunity to miss!!

Wasn’t it?

Caution they warned?

Caution be damned.

He was last seen running down the road screaming about Statistics and Damned Liars.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli

%d bloggers like this: