I was up at the normal time.. anywhere between 7 and 9 am depending on which alarm I listen to. Everything was fine. Spent a good couple of hours going through the archives at Kontraband.com . I found some real funny shit over there. when you have a spare hour or so, check it out.
At about 1pm, I started my daily ritual of getting ready for work and the it happened. I started getting antsy about something. I have no idea what but I was tighter than a fucking wire. I couldn’t shake it, I thought the trip to work would ease me up. I loaded up the mp3 player with stuff that usually mellows me out.
My bus trip usually takes around 35 minutes, I listened to Steve Martin’ song King Tut all the way there. It didn’t help. My gut was getting nauseous and I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t control my surroundings and I had to get out of there. I left work at 5pm want to just sit in a dark room and cry. These fucking mood-swings are killing me. I never know from minute to minute what I am going feel like. Some of you (if anyone is reading this) may say no one knows what mood they are going be in. and I agree… no one knows shit. But for me, I can be laughing and joking one minute and wanting to smash the shit out of some poor sod who doesn’t deserve it the next.
I came home and slept all evening, woke up around 9.30 last night and stayed up till three am watching Windtalkers with Linda.
Talking of Linda. It’s her birthday today. Today she is 50 tomorrow she says she’ll be 49 again. She just wants to test it out for one day and then start counting backwards..LOL… HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY.
Oh well time for me to start back on the work trail… In case anyone is wondering.. I am still feeling bad today, but no managers were available to arrange an emergency holiday for me today, so I have to go face the world again.. BOLLOX
I tried to stay away from the computer as much as possible over the weekend. I just checked my email a few times, tinkered here and there and generally just took it easy. It’s not often that Linda and I get a full weekend with no work distractions so I tend to try and make the most of it when it floats round.
That being the case it’s now Tuesday and I am back into the swing of things. Dreading going back to work,, I really don’t want to do it anymore. There is no fun in working at the moment. I know what your all saying “work aint meant to be fun” and I agree with ya.. but for the most part I used to enjoy work. Now I just wish I could say fuck it all and stay home and watch slasher movies all day. I guess that’s part of the depression I have.
My depression is not unusual but it is unusual to me and the way I have started handling it. In the past,years not months, I would have just got all withdrawn and hidden away from it all. I would have made peoples life a misery.. hell I am miserable you can be too. But no I just decided to work through the shit and crap and get on with life. I find that I tend to forget the depression for brief periods and enjoy life, but as soon as I stop and sit I zoom straight back into it. The best way I can analogise it is that I am a mountain climber with an endless mountain to climb and a rope is tied to me that gives me enough slack to take the next step up. On occasion the person controlling the guide rope looks away and forgets what it’s doing and lets me take a couple of steps up without restraint…but soon it will remember it’s job and snap that rope faster than elastic underwear on a fat boy. That’s when I get dragged back into the blackness of depression.
I try not to dwell on it and just get on with my life. I spent far to many years letting it get on top of me and ruin my life.
So I had depressive issue all along but what made them worse and heightened them was a drug called Ro-Accutane. Check out the action website and hear so horror stories.
Until I took this drug I was just depressed at certain times. and when I went into a funk it was a gradual change. But since taking the drug I have mood-swings. These mood-swings can be triggered by ANYTHING. Someone talking on TV, a song, a person saying something I don’t like, and I switch as quick as that. I should say that the mood-swings can work the other way too. I can find something so funny that it will drag me out of the depression just as quick. Ohhhhh the joy of it all.
Anyway that my obligatory depression blog post.. I don’t like talking in depth about it.. make me sound like a whiner, which I try not too be.
Oh well almost time to start getting ready for work… I may be back soon.