Satire

A-Z – I – Invasion

I

 The year is 2020 and things have gotten way out of hand. As I sit here and type this out, I have no idea how long I have left. The generator in the yard is running dangerously low on fumes and I am saving my work every two minutes so that hopefully some day when sanity has resumed this’ll be read and understood.

Let me go back.

It all began with news reports back in 2015 of a Colorado Lake being infested with Goldfish. Yeah, you read that right, Goldfish, those stupid little fish you win at the fair that inevitably die after two weeks and you end up flushing down the toilet to not upset the kids. Them little bastards infested a lake in Colorado, USA. It seems that someone let a few of their pet Goldfish loose in one the lakes and then over a time they spawned and then it happened… The accident.

The big spill.

The day in late October 2017 when they had exhausted all the humane ways of trying to get rid of the now growing colony of fish they had decided to electrocute them. They were going to pass  massive shocks of electricity through the lake at 25 minute intervals over a week. After  that they were going to drain the lake and then start the mass clean up process.

On day two of the electro process a tanker from a nearby food processing plant was passing and it was hauling colouring for that goop those American kids drink that got banned over the rest of the world… Mountain Dew (well not banned but modified). Well, somehow, the tanker spilled its load into the lake just as the fish were being fried and it caused a reaction and the fish mutated. It started a reaction.

Now 2 and a half years later the world is dealing with hordes of Creatures from the Black Lagoon and we can’t stop them. NOTHING can stop them.

Scientists are working on the assumption that eventually they will need to go back to fresh water, but it hasn’t happened yet, so they assume the preservative and additives in the Drink goop has altered their DNA so much it has created the greatest Monster.. The Mountain Goldfish.

My generator is dying, I have to go.

I hope you have a better life now than we did at the end.


Whilst this may seem a little whimsical and goes along with the rest of my nonsensical stories from the past couple of weeks, there is in fact a basis in fact to today’s story and it is really really current as in it was in the press in just the past couple of days. You can check out this video from The Slate website (which hasn’t taken it wholly seriously either)

The Mountain Dew thing though, that is true, that has something to do with the Corn Syrup and the nasty sugars the American producers add to it… We can’t get the good stuff over here in Europe any more… we have to have the tame “Sports Energy Drink” that tastes like urine. Pah!

A-Z – H – Holographic

H

Ladies and Gentlemen, Rockers and Rollers.
Groovers and Shakers, It’s time to shake your Money Makers

*Stamping feet beat a rhythm*

The band you haven’t seen Come Together
Since the Told you To Hide Your Love Away

*the screams build louder*

Last seen on Saville Row, The Police,
The Told them to Get Back; Then They Were Gone!

*4 Blue Spotlights appear on the stage*

For One Song Only… The Beatles.

The 4 Blue Spotlights Opened in time with a thunderous Open Chord that rang like a Choir Invisible, to show pixel perfect reconstructions of The Beatles.

*The crowd screams grew to levels unheard of since 63..that’s 1963*

“..So why on earth should I moan, Cos when I get you alone
You Know I feel OK”

*The stage lights swirls and whirl, changing colours and shapes. The audience scream and cry for more*

“When I’m home everything seems to be right
When I’m home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeah”

*A fleeting moment in history passed in just over 150 seconds*

The stage returns to dark.

“The Management of the Hard Days Night Hotel & Casino complex would like to thank you for your Patronage in this the 100 Anniversary of Death of All Known Music. Please join us Next year when we will bring you Michael Jackson singing to a Rat. Thank You once again and please tip your robotic waiters on the way out.”

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